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Ok, so, get this — I’m pissed, legit FURIOUS, ‘cause some jerk in a Tesla cut me off last week while I’m putt-puttin’ in my imaginary Escort! I’m yellin’, “Hey, fancy pants, my Escort’s got SOUL!” *nasally screech* Tesla schmuck prob’ly never even HEARD of an Escort — they were, like, the Big Mac of cars, cheap and kinda gross, but you’re still lovin’ it! Oh, and — little secret — they used to race these suckers in rallies! Total nutso, right? Surprised the heck outta me when I Googled it — my jaw DROPPED!

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After that mini-crisis, I decide to take a stroll. I hit up the Giardini Botanici Villa Taranto. OMG, the flowers! They’re like a rainbow exploded. I’m just walking around, feeling all zen, when I hear this loud commotion. Turns out, a bunch of kids are playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around like it’s the World Cup. I’m laughing, thinking, “These kids are gonna be pros!”

Last known survivor of 19th century dies at 117