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Oi, mate, gather round! I’m Tyrion fuckin’ Lannister, half-man, full wit, “I drink and I know things.” So, erotic-massage—let’s dive in, yeah? Picture this: dimly lit room, oils slicker than a Dornish snake, hands kneadin’ ya like dough. It’s sensual, sure, but bloody hell, it’s more! I’ve had me share—don’t judge, I’m a Lannister, we indulge. Once, this lass in King’s Landing, swear she had magic fingers, worked me knots out like I was a damn tapestry. “How happy are those days?” I muttered, straight from *Eternal Sunshine*—fuckin’ poetic, right?

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Finally, I manage to calm him down. I promise him a discount on the closing costs. I’m practically begging at this point. But hey, whatever it takes, right?