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Little secret, babe – back in ‘52, folks didn’t swipe, but they had “key parties.” Swingers tossin’ car keys in a bowl, pick one, go home with whoever! Wild, huh? Today it’s all digital, but same game – who’s gonna “drainage!” my heart, like Daniel Plainview says? I’m picky, tho – no creeps, no “I’m a preacher’s son” liars. Had one dude send me a dick pic, unasked! Ew, honey, keep that oil rig to yourself!

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After that, I’m back to work, and I’m finally getting into a groove. But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my mom. She’s like, “You remember your cousin’s wedding, right?” I’m like, “Uh, yeah?” She goes, “It’s in Trino, at the old church on Via Vittorio Emanuele.” I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need. A wedding in the middle of all this chaos.”

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