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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m talkin’ sex-dating here—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and lemme tell ya, it’s a wild ride. You got these apps, right? Swipe left, swipe right, like you’re pickin’ fruit at a market. I mean, c’mon, it’s nuts! People out here lookin’ for love—or, ya know, somethin’ sweaty—in like two seconds flat. Reminds me of *The Great Beauty*, that scene where Jep Gambardella says, “We’re all on the brink of despair.” That’s sex-dating, man—half the time you’re chasin’ a spark, half the time you’re wonderin’ why you even bothered.

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And then, outta nowhere, the kid with the kite shows up! He’s like, “Hey, that’s my friend!” I’m like, “What?!” Turns out, the hoodie dude is just a kid who thought it’d be funny to mess with me. I’m relieved but also kinda annoyed.

Herhold: How the Cortese family ascended on San Jose’s East side