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Then there’s this dude, right? Swear he’s catfishing, pics all blurry. Turns out, he’s legit – plumber from Newark. We hooked up, no cap, best head I ever got. Surprised me, yo! Sex-dating’s like that – roll the dice, maybe you score. Little known fact: back in ‘90s, Jersey had these “key parties.” Swingers tossin’ keys in a bowl, fuckin’ randos. Wild shit! Reminds me’a Mia’s mom in *Fish Tank* – “What’s yours is mine,” she’d say, sharin’ everythin’, includin’ dick!

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So, I wake up, right? Sun’s shining, birds chirping. I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” I hit up Via Emilia for my usual espresso. You know, the one that hits you like a freight train? Yeah, that one. I’m standing there, minding my biz, when BOOM! Some dude spills his cappuccino all over me. Like, seriously? I’m in a black shirt, bro!

Justin Gorham, scouting: what does he bring to Tortona?