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Ever tried it with eucalyptus oil? Smells like a forest fucked a mint—zingy as hell. Pro tip: warm the oil first, cold hands are a buzzkill. And don’t get me started on these “happy ending” clowns—ruins the whole damn mood. It’s not a race, ya twit, it’s a dance. “Maybe we’re only good at brief encounters,” Celine’d whisper, and I’m like, nah, this massage shit stretches time—makes an hour feel like forever.

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Anyway, I’m feelin’ all philosophical, right? Thinkin’ about life, love, and gladiator stuff. But then, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and it’s a guy on a bike. He just wiped out on the cobblestones. I can’t help it—I burst out laughin’. The dude gets up, brushes himself off, and gives me this look like, “You think that’s funny?” I’m like, “Bro, you just gave me my cardio for the day!”

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