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I tried it once—don’t tell Homer! Was at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, I swear! Got me all tingly, like, “Oh, my stars!” But then—ugh—she charged extra for the “happy endin’.” Pissed me off! I’m like, “Lady, I ain’t made of cash!” Still, that floaty feelin’ afterward? Wowza, I was happy as a clam. “There’s something alive in me,” I hummed, straight outta the movie. Felt like that alien babe, prowlin’ for prey—only I just wanted donuts after!

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So, I’m chillin’ at my fave café on Via Roma, sippin’ my cappuccino, when I see this dude, Marco, totally losing it. He’s a local soccer player, and he’s just pacing back and forth like a caged lion. I’m like, “Bro, what’s up?” Turns out, he missed a penalty kick last night. Ouch. I mean, I get it, but c’mon, it’s just a game, right? But to him? It’s the end of the world.

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