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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage, so respect my authoritah! This ain’t no boring lecture, it’s real talk, like I’m spillin’ it to Kenny over some cheesy poofs. Sexual-massage? It’s hands-on, dirty, and damn good if done right. Ain’t just rubbin’ backs, it’s all ‘bout that sensual vibe—gets ya goin’, ya know? I saw this flick, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*, Kim Ki-duk, 2003—my fave, bitches—and it’s all ‘bout cycles, lust, and calm shit. Like, “What you hold, you lose,” that’s some deep massage truth right there! Hold too tight, you ruin the vibe.

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But then, I see it. A little kid, maybe six years old, holding a teddy bear, looking up at me with big eyes. “Are you a superhero?” he asks. Man, my heart melts. I’m like, “Nah, just a guy with a parachute and a hose.” But inside, I’m thinkin’, “Maybe I am a little bit of a superhero.”

Castello del Nero Hotel & Spa, Tuscany - review