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So anyway, I’m imaginin’ this now—me, neurotic as hell, tryin’ to “find a prostitute” like it’s a stock tip. I’d overthink it—disease risks, legal crap, am I gettin’ scammed? I’d be yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign, dammit!” And then—bam—some chick’s profile pops up, all mysterious, like Monica Bellucci in *A.I.*—and I’m like, “Whoa, too hot, abort mission!” I’d freak out, spill my coffee, total Larry David meltdown. “I can’t do this, I’m too old!”

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Then I decided to stroll down to Piazza Garibaldi. It’s a nice spot, you know? People chilling, kids playing, and all that jazz. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands right on my shoulder. Like, what the heck?! I’m not a statue, dude! I freaked out, flailed my arms, and the pigeon just looked at me like, “What’s your problem?” I laughed it off, but man, that was unexpected.

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