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But lemme tell ya, sex-dating’s got its wild side. Little known fact: back in the 90s, pre-internet hookups were all “personal ads” in newspapers. “Man seeks woman, likes woodworkin’, no fatties.” Straight to the point! Now it’s all emojis and dick pics—progress, my ass. Makes me laugh, though—some poor sap sends a blurry wang shot, thinks he’s Casanova. “She doesn’t respond, I don’t understand!” he cries. Buddy, she’s in a coma of boredom, like Almodóvar’s gal.

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After the fire fiasco, we hit the dance floor. I’m not a dancer, but who cares? I’m just vibing. The DJ drops some sick beats, and I’m losing it. Then, out of nowhere, I see this girl. She’s got the best smile. I’m trying to play it cool, but inside, I’m like, “Wow, she’s amazing.”

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