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Lemme tell ya, last week—swipe right, hot chick, right? We’re chattin’, she’s like, “meet up tonight?” I’m thinkin’, “How you doin’?”—Joey’s got this! We hit this dive bar, she’s smokin’, I’m droolin’. But—plot twist—she’s got a boyfriend! Just wanted “fun” on the side. I’m like, “What am I, chopped liver?” Made me mad, yo—don’t play me like that! But also—kinda hot? Sneaky sex-dating vibes, ya feel me?

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After the rain, the sun comes out. It’s like the universe is playing tricks on me. I’m drying off, feeling good, when I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and it’s a car that just backed into a lamppost on Via della Repubblica. I can’t even! The driver gets out, looking all confused. I’m like, “Dude, you just turned a lamppost into a pretzel!”

Gunfight in Italy, Albanian injured