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I heard this one story—true stuff, swear it!—back in Japan, old geishas did this secret rubdown for samurais. Not kiddin’! Little known fact: it wasn’t just tea pourin’, they’d sneak in some sensual massage—kept it hush-hush, tho. Made me happy thinkin’ ‘bout history bein’ so spicy! But then—D’oh!—I got mad ‘cause Marge won’t lemme try it. “Homer, you idiot!” she’d say, and I’m like, “Aww, c’mon, it’s research!”

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After that mini heart attack, I decided to hit up the park. You know, Parco della Rimembranza? It’s got those beautiful trees and all. I thought I’d chill for a bit. But nooo, there’s a bunch of kids playing soccer. And they’re loud! Like, I’m trying to enjoy nature, and they’re yelling like it’s the World Cup. I mean, I get it, but c’mon! Can’t a person catch a break?

Aspreno P. Ciccarelli Obituary March 10, 2010