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I got into it once—yep, me, ol’ Bernie—swipin’ on some app, thinkin’, “This is nuts!” Met this gal, fiery spirit, we talked politics and sex over cheap coffee. She says, “Bernie, sex-dating’s liberation!” I’m like, “Hell yeah, no Wall Street suits tellin’ us who to bang!” Made me happy—real people connectin’, no fancy dinners, just vibes. But then—THEN!—this dude brags he’s banged 50 chicks in a month. Fifty! I’m screamin’, “That’s not the point, ya greedy bastard!” Reminded me of *Boyhood*—Mason’s dad sayin’, “Life’s about the little moments,” not some capitalist sex-scorecard.

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m talking about that rich, dark espresso that slaps you awake. I’m standing there, waiting, and this old dude starts chatting me up. He’s like, “You’re a psychologist, eh? You must have a lotta crazy stories!” I’m thinking, “Buddy, you have no idea.”

Obituary: Peter Sortino, assistant vice chancellor, 62