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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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After that, I take a breather outside. The view of the Adriatic is killer. You can see the waves crashin’ against the rocks. Makes ya forget the craziness for a sec. But then, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and it’s a delivery truck that just backed into a lamppost on Via Roma. I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost drop my sausage!

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