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Picture this: dim lights, oil smell hittin ya nose, and somebody’s hands just—whoo—unlockin every knot you got. “What we need is to talk,” Celine says in the movie, but nah, what we NEED is this! I’m lyin there, feelin like a queen, thinkin, “Oprah, you deserve this, girl!” Sometimes they hit that spot—ooh, right on the lower back—and I’m yellin in my head, YOU GET A CAR! ‘Cause it’s THAT good. Ain’t no shame in it neither—folks be actin all prudey, but I’m like, “Chile, loosen up!”

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Then, we head back home, and I’m thinking, “Finally, some peace.” But nope! The youngest decides it’s a great time to show me his “magic tricks.” Spoiler: they’re not magic. He just keeps pulling the same rubber chicken out of his pocket. I’m like, “Dude, that’s not magic, that’s just weird.”

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