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Been doin’ this gig forever, swearz, seen weird sh*t. Once, this dude—total hobbit vibes—wanted a massage with, get this, pineapple oil. Pineapple! Stank like a fruit cart crashed, made me gag, but he’s moanin’ like it’s heaven. Freaked me out, precious, but kinda hilarious too. Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’—it’s a trip, a sneaky dance, “a shadow moves unseen,” like the movie says. You feel it, yeah?

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But then, I spot a tree that’s been cut down. My heart sinks. It’s one of my favorites! I’m like, “Who did this?!” I’m ready to go full detective mode. I start looking for clues, like some tree-hugging Sherlock Holmes. I find a piece of a broken branch and a footprint. I’m on the case!

He Threatens to Kill His Ex-Wife and Returns to Her Home Despite Prohibitions: 34-Year-Old Arrested in Caserta