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Escorts ain’t just cars tho—there’s the shady stuff too. D’oh! Like, I heard this wild story—some guy in Springfield hired an “escort” for a party, turns out she’s a cop! Busted his dumb ass—hilarious! Made me laugh ‘til I choked on my donut. Little known fact: back in the ‘80s, Escort cars were so cheap, folks called ‘em “disposable rides.” Kinda like Kolya’s life in that movie—fallin’ apart, no fixin’ it.

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I’m tryin’ to keep it together, but the bride is late. Like, really late. I’m sweating bullets, thinkin’ I’m gonna have to start the ceremony without her. But then, she shows up, and wow, she’s stunning. I mean, I’m a clergyman, but even I can appreciate a good dress.

Evviva la Festa! — A listing of 2023 patron saint festivals