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Ever tried it? Grindr, Bumble, whatever – pure madness. One time, this geezer sends me a vid, full-on wankin’, no hello! Laughed my arse off, then blocked him. Cheeky sod. We shall fight the weirdos, we shall conquer the creeps! But when it works – oh, fuckin’ hell, fireworks! Sal whispered, “You’re my coffee plantation,” nicked that vibe from the movie, romantic yet filthy. Made me grin like a twat. Sex-dating’s a war, yeah, but the victories? Shag-tastic.

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So, I’m walkin’ to the church, dodging tourists and their selfie sticks. Seriously, how many pics do you need of the Chiesa Madre? It’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but c’mon! Anyway, I finally get to the church, and there’s a line. A long one. Like, what’s the deal? Turns out, it’s a wedding. And guess who’s officiating? Yep, yours truly.

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