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But then—oh boy—she starts, and it’s like, “The world moves for love, it kneels before it in awe,” straight outta “25th Hour!” I’m losin’ it, happy as a pig in mud! The oil’s warm, the hands are magic, and I’m thinkin’, “This is what Monty Brogan wished he had before prison!” I mean, sexual-massage ain’t just some sleazy back-alley thing—didja know it goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were all about it—called it “therapeutic touch,” but with a wink, ya know? They’d rub ya down with olive oil, and boom, stress gone, libido up! Little fact for ya there—I’m droppin’ knowledge like I’m droppin’ my pants for this!

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So, I’m strolling down Corso Italia, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “This is gonna be great!” I grab a coffee from my fave spot, Bar Pasticceria, and it’s like liquid gold. Seriously, best cappuccino ever. But then, BAM! My phone buzzes. It’s my lab partner, Marco. He’s like, “Dude, we need to talk. NOW.”

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