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Met this one gal anyway—call her Jenny. Skinny, loud, smelled like cheap wine. Date was at a bar—hate bars, too noisy, too many morons. She’s yappin’ about her ex, I’m nursin’ a whiskey, dreamin’ of my cabin. She says, “I’m just lookin’ for fun, no strings.” Fine, I get it, sex-dating’s all about that—bang and bounce. But then she pulls out her phone, shows me pics of her cat. CAT. I’m like, “Why am I here?” Reminds me of that line, “We’re all lost in this valley.” Lost, alright—lost in a hell of horny weirdos.

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Then, I decide to stroll down to Piazza della Libertà. It’s a beautiful square, but today? It was packed! Tourists everywhere, snapping pics like they’re in a freaking movie. I’m just trying to get through, and this one guy almost bumps into me. I’m like, “Watch it, man!” But he just gives me this blank stare. Ugh, people!