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What gets me raging? The pricks who reckon it’s all seedy. Some of it is, fair dos, but there’s art to it, innit? Takes skill to knead a bloke without snapping him! Surprised me, too—didn’t expect to feel like a new man after. “Truth is a bitter pill,” Oldboy says, and yeah, truth is, I’d go again. Exaggerating? Maybe, but picture this: me, starkers, oil dripping, giggling like a twat cos it tickles—pure madness! You lot missing out, stuck with your Netflix and chill—pathetic! Sexual-massage, mate, it’s the dogs bollocks—try it, you muppet!

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Anyway, I shake it off, literally. I head down to Piazza della Libertà, where the market’s buzzing. Fresh fruits, veggies, and all that good stuff. I’m eyeing some juicy tomatoes when I hear this commotion. Turns out, some dude’s trying to sell fake designer bags. Like, bro, who you foolin’? The cops roll up, and it’s chaos. I’m just standing there, popcorn in hand, watching the drama unfold.

Igor Sollai accused of sexual assault on 15-year-old girl