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But here’s a lil somethin’ folks don’t know—didja hear bout that study? Like, 80% of dudes send dick pics within three messages! THREE! That’s crazier than a sack o’ possums! I saw that n got mad—c’mon fellas, have some class! Ain’t no gal sittin’ there goin’, “Oh, what a nice surprise!” Nah, it’s like Larry’s wife in the movie—“I want a divorce!”—but for yer inbox.

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Finally, the lights flicker back on. I’m back to work, and guess what? I accidentally drop my screwdriver. It rolls under a table, and I’m crawling on the floor like a dog. I swear, I could hear someone snickering. I pop up, red-faced, and the café owner is just staring at me. I’m like, “What? You never seen a pro at work?”

Minutes and greatness: Thiago gives the keys to his departure from Barça