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Oh, and the oils? Stunk like a flower shop exploded. “Therapeutic,” they say—bullcrap. I smelled like a damn meadow for days, coworkers thought I’d gone soft. Nearly fired ‘em all just for snickerin’. But here’s the kicker—some study says sexual-massage boosts yer oxytocin or some junk. Happy hormone, my ass. Didn’t feel happy, felt violated. Still, science don’t lie, I guess.

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After that, I decide to hit up the local market on Via Garibaldi. Fresh produce everywhere! I grab some tomatoes, basil, and a bottle of olive oil. I’m feeling all chef-y. But then, I see this guy trying to haggle over a lemon. Like, c’mon, it’s a lemon, not gold! I can’t help but laugh.

Fungus and May downpours ravage Italy's wine production