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Oh, and the oil—slippery as hell! Last time, I’m slidin’ off the table, lookin’ like a greased pig. “I’m not designed for this!”—straight outta A.I., Gigolo Joe vibes! Hilarious, but messy—hated that part. Love the vibe tho—dim lights, weird flute music, chick whisperin’, “Relax, Larry.” I’m like, “Relax? I’m half-naked, lady!” Total mind-trip, but damn, it works—stress gone, poof! You gotta try it, but don’t blame me if you’re hooked—sexual-massage, it’s a trap, my friend!

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So, I finally make it to the office on Via Cavour, and my boss is already in a mood. He’s like, “Where are the quarterly reports?” I’m like, “Dude, chill! I just got here!” But he’s not having it. I mean, come on, it’s not like I can pull numbers outta thin air.

Lancashire church painting is "£100k masterpiece"