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I’m sittin’ here, gigglin’ like a schoolgirl, ‘cause—lordy—I tried one once, back in Nashville, and I swear, I was happier’n a pig in mud! Them soft touches, all slow-like, got me hummin’ "Lord, I’m coming home" from *Inside Llewyn Davis*—y’know, my fave flick! That movie’s all moody and lonesome, but erotic-massage? It’s the opposite—lights ya up like a firecracker! Made me wanna holler, “Hold me closer, I ain’t no loser folk singer!” Ha! Poor Llewyn’d prob’ly keel over watchin’ that kinda rubdown.

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Finally, I get my cappuccino, and it’s perfect. I take a sip, and boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Marco. He’s like, “Yo, you see the game last night?” I’m like, “Dude, I was busy sleeping!” But then he tells me about this crazy last-minute goal. I’m fuming! I had money on that match!

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