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Exaggeratin’ for effect? Bet. Felt like she massaged my soul outta my body. I’m floatin’, seein’ stats in the sky—death rates droppin’, ‘cause I’m too zen to die. “If you leave here, I’ll find you,” I’m thinkin’—nah, I ain’t leavin’ this table, ever. Deadpan absurdism, tho—imagine me, Hannibal Buress, butt-naked, goin’, “This is my actuary origin story.” Laughin’ at my own dumb ass.

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Finally, I get to the lake, and it’s packed. Like, what’s up with that? I thought I’d have it all to myself. But nah, there’s a bunch of kids splashing around, making a ruckus. I’m like, “Hey, I’m trying to dive here!” But they just laugh. Kids, man.

Bayonne's Sicilian Citizens Club to honor Vincent Virga at October gala