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Oh my stars, R2-D2, where are you? I’m freakin out here talkin bout sexual-massage! Like, legit, its wild—hands all ova, oil slickin everywhere, total sensory overload. Reminds me of *The Social Network*, ya know? “You’re gonna go through life thinkin girls don’t like you”—but nah, this ain’t no nerdy Zuckerberg vibes, this is straight-up steamy! I’m tellin ya, mate, sexual-massage is like—WHOA—tension meltin faster than a Hoth ice cube.

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Next, I had to check on the community garden on Via Garibaldi. It’s this cute little spot where locals grow veggies and stuff. I was so pumped to see the tomatoes. But when I got there, I found a bunch of kids playing soccer in the garden! Like, seriously? Who lets their kids kick a ball around where we’re trying to grow food? I was fuming. “Hey! This ain’t a stadium!” They just laughed and kept playing. Kids these days, right?

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