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Hiii honey, oh my gawd, lemme tell ya bout this sexual-massage thing, nasal voice on blast, heh heh heh! Picture this, I’m sittin there, thinkin bout “Spirited Away,” ya know, my fave flick, and I’m like, “No face could use a rubdown!” Sexual-massage ain’t just some sleazy backroom deal, nah, it’s got history, babe! Way back, like ancient times, them Greeks and Chinese were all bout it—massagin with a lil spicy twist, heh!

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs up to me. He’s like, “Mister, mister! Can I ride with you?” I’m like, “Sure, kid. But hold on tight!” He’s bouncing around like a pinball. I’m tryin’ to keep the raft steady, but he’s all over the place. I’m thinkin’, “If I capsize, I’m gonna be the laughing stock of Rubiera!”

Chechu Rubiera on the sanctions against the US Postal Service and Lance Armstrong: "There was hatred towards the figure of Armstrong, Pantani tested positive and nobody attacked him"