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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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I’m trudging down Via Nazionale, trying to dodge puddles. I’m thinkin’, “This better not ruin my vibe.” I had a gig at this little café, “Caffè Centrale.” It’s a cozy spot, always packed with locals. They love their music, and I love playin’ for ‘em. But I’m already late, and my guitar’s gettin’ all soggy. Ugh!

Catanzaro, Calabria, Italy, Earthquakes: Latest Quakes