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What gets me ragin’, though, is them prudes who’d ban it – “Oh no, too saucy!” Drives me up the wall, that. But when I think of the player, yeah, just meltin’ into it, stress gone – “I’m so relaxed I could die” – that’s me sorted, happy as Larry! Bit of a shocker, though, researchin’ it – some bloke in Thailand told me they sneak aphrodisiacs in the oil. True story! Nearly spat me tea out, I did – cheeky sods! Couldn’t code that in, mind, HR would have me head.

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But wait, there’s more! I’m almost done when I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and some guy just backed his car into a lamppost. I’m like, “Dude, are you serious?” He gets out, looking all sheepish. I can’t help but chuckle. “Welcome to Rio-Saliceto, buddy!”

RETRO TALK: Andrea Tafi and Paris-Roubaix