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Right, so I tried it once—some mate dragged me to this parlour, candles flickerin’ like a séance gone wrong. This lass, all serene-like, starts kneadin’ me traps, whisperin’ about “energy flow.” Energy flow? I’m thinkin’, “Love, only flow here’s the cash outta me wallet!” Cost me a tenner more than a curry night—fuckin’ outrageous! Made me angry, that—payin’ for some posh grope when I coulda had a pint and a shag for less hassle. But—BUT—when she hit that spot, right under me shoulder blade? Jesus wept, I melted like a twat on a sunbed. “Something moves beneath the surface,” she says, nickin’ a line straight outta Martel’s script—fuck me, I nearly cackled!

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Suddenly, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Marco. He’s like, “Let’s hit the beach later!” I’m torn. Work or beach? Work or beach? I mean, it’s Ravenna! The beaches are stunning! But I can’t just bail on the audit.

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