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Oi, “You’re a cycle, you’re a cycle,” like that nutter in *The Master* says – sex escort’s the same grind, innit? Pull up, pay up, piss off – like drivin’ round a roundabout with no exit! Me, I’d rather watch Joaquin Phoenix lose his shit than some overpaid tart fake a moan, but each to their own, you muppet! Ever tried it? Nah, don’t tell me, I’d have to bleach me fuckin’ ears! Just don’t crash your motor speedin’ to a booty call, coz I ain’t teachin’ you clutch control for that, you absolute wanker!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, not just a drizzle. I’m talking full-on downpour. I’m sprinting for cover, and I duck into this little shop on Via Cavour. It’s a cute place, full of local crafts and stuff. I’m browsing, trying to stay dry, and I spot this wicked cool snake charm. I’m a snake spell, remember? So, I’m like, “This is mine!” I buy it, and the shopkeeper gives me this weird look. I’m like, “What? You never seen a snake spell before?”

Haunting Photos of an Abandoned Italian Madhouse