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Oi, you donkey! Escort, yeah? Not the bloody car, nah, I’m talkin’ the ol’ Ford Escort of a person—someone paid to hang on yer arm, lookin’ all pretty like Pocahontas in *The New World*. “The land is life!”—bollocks, it’s cash for company, innit? Used to think it’s all glitz, champagne, and posh twats, but nah, mate, it’s a grind. A proper grind! Some lass or lad struttin’ about, dodgin’ creeps, makin’ rent. Idiot sandwich! You reckon it’s easy? Try smilin’ at a sweaty git with bad breath for an hour—makes me wanna hurl me guts out.

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Then, I decide to take ‘em down Via Roma. It’s a cute street, lined with shops and cafes. I’m tryin’ to explain the history, but this one guy keeps askin’ about the best gelato. Like, dude, focus! But fine, I get it. Gelato is life. So, I point him to Gelateria La Dolce Vita. Best gelato in town, no contest.

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