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I try this sex-dating, ok? In Kazakhstan, we no have Tinder, just goat and cousin. Here, so many womans, all “show me your bits!” I laugh, very nice! One time, I match girl, she say, “You look exotic.” I think, “Yes, I am king of sexy!” We meet, she bring friend—two womans! I panic, “This too much sexy!” Like movie, “What is it that you want?” I say, “Just one, please!” They laugh, I sweat, night crazy.

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So, I’m hammerin’ away, and suddenly, my buddy Marco bursts in. He’s all outta breath, like he just ran a marathon. “Dude, you won’t believe it!” he yells. Turns out, there’s a festival in town. The Festa di San Biagio! I’m like, “What? When?!” He says it’s today, and I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need—distractions!”

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