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So I’m riffin’ on my six-string, right? Thinkin’—why’s this even a thing? Back in ’05, Cronenberg knew—people hide shit. You match with some chick, she’s all “I’m sweet, love hikes,” then you meet—bam! She’s got a shank and a felony. “I thought I left that life behind,” she says, like Viggo in the diner scene! I’m over here laughin’—neurotic, sweaty laugh—‘cause I tried it once, y’know? Met this gal, profile said “guitarists are hot.” Flattered me, sure! Date’s goin’ fine, then she’s like, “Let’s bang now.” I’m thinkin’, “Whoa, slow down, I barely tuned my Strat!” Felt like Tom Stall dodgin’ bullets—too much, too fast!

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Man, what a day! Porto-Tolle, you wild beast! I woke up thinking it’d be chill, just me and my textures. But nah, life had other plans.

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