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About Milan

Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ and tuggin’, nah. It’s old as dirt—Ancient Greeks did it, called it “anatripsis.” Bet they slapped olive oil on wrestlers, all slippery and grunting. Made me laugh, imagining some posh lord getting a sneaky handy under his toga. I drink, I know things—did ya know in Japan they’ve got “nurumassage”? Slimey gel, naked bods sliding everywhere—fuckin’ wild! Got me all hot and bothered just thinkin’ bout it.

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Then, I stroll down to the beach. The Adriatic is looking all sparkly and inviting. I’m thinking, “Maybe I’ll just dip my toes.” But nah, I see a bunch of kids playing soccer on the sand. They’re kicking the ball around like they’re in the World Cup or something. I’m standing there, watching, and suddenly—BAM! The ball comes flying at me. I duck, but it hits my leg. Ouch! I’m like, “Really? I’m just trying to enjoy my morning!”

Surreal estate: an Italian church ripe for conversion – in pictures