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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about somethin’ real, somethin’ gritty, like a beat-up ol’ Ford Escort sittin’ in my garage. Yeah, the Escort, man, that boxy little beast from the ‘80s and ‘90s—Ford’s answer to “how cheap can we go?” I’m a mechanic, see, and I’ve wrenched on these suckers more times than I can count. Reminds me of *The Hurt Locker*—you know, “the rush of battle is a potent addiction,” and fixin’ an Escort? Same damn thing. Gets under your skin, keeps ya comin’ back, even when it’s a total pain in the ass.

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So, I grab my coffee, and I’m feeling all good. But then, I see this dude on the corner of Via Garibaldi. He’s yelling at a pigeon. Like, seriously? A pigeon? I’m thinking, “Bro, it’s just a bird!” But he’s all like, “You stole my sandwich!” I can’t even. I’m laughing so hard, I almost spill my coffee.

Coronavirus sets Italian prison ablaze