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But yo, the fakes? They’re everywhere! Catfish city, swear. One time, profile says “model,” meet her—more like a gremlin. “The beast’s eyes glow,” my ass—those eyes were Photoshop! Cracked me up, but damn, waste of my time. Pro tip, mang: reverse image search, saves your soul.

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After that, I hit up Via Garibaldi. There’s this little market there, and I’m all about the fresh produce. I grab some tomatoes, and this old lady starts chatting me up. She’s like, “You know, these tomatoes are the best in Piove.” I’m thinking, “Lady, I just want my salad.” But she goes on and on about her garden. I’m nodding, but inside I’m like, “Please, I just wanna go home.”