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Earth’s sex-dating apps? Obsessed! Tinder, Bumble—humans tryna bang, no cap. Little fact: 80% of profiles lie ‘bout height. Saw this dude, 5’2”, claiming 6’0”—bro, we SEE you! Made me laugh, like, “Is this your memory?”—straight outta Nolan’s flick. People ghosting left n right, pisses me off! One sec you’re vibin’, next—poof! Gone! “I don’t remember you”—ugh, rude.

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I get back to the piazza, and it’s packed. I set up my cake, and people are lookin’ at me like I’m some kinda wizard. I’m like, “Yeah, I’m the real deal.” But then, disaster strikes. My cake starts to wobble. I’m like, “No, no, no!”

Court hearing for 88-year-old man accused in Parma hit-skip of mother, child