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Wawaweewa! Me, Borat, tell you bout erotic-massage, very nice! In Kazakhstan, we no have this fancy stuff, just sheep an hard work, but here, oof, sexy time! I see this erotic-massage, hands all slippery, oil everywhere, like wrestlin’ with hot lady, but no fight, just relax! Very nice! Remind me of *Moonrise Kingdom*, you know, my best movie—Wes Anderson, 2012, so good! That scene, “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re doing,” like me tryna figure out this massage biz! First time I go, lady say, “Take off pant,” I think, wot?! In my country, pant off mean big trouble, but here, it’s normal! I laugh, so crazy!

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Finally, I get past that mess. I’m feeling good, ready to harvest some wheat. But then, boom! I hit a pothole on Via della Repubblica. My poor harvester bounces like it’s on a trampoline. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” I swear, if I had a euro for every bump in this town, I’d be rich.

Mrs Thatcher is snubbed by Silvio Berlusconi