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Sex-dating’s a gamble, odds suck sometimes. You think, “She’s hot,” then—catfish, uggh. Or dude’s profile—6’2, reality—5’8, pathetic. Happy when it works, tho—quick bang, no strings. Surprised me once—girl quoted Cronenberg mid-fuck, “You’re the best, Joey.” Brain melted, hot as hell.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Via Roma. You know, the one with the killer pastries? I ordered a cornetto and a cappuccino. The barista, Marco, he’s a legend. He always knows my order. But today? He forgot the sugar. Like, c’mon, Marco! I need my sugar fix! I was ready to throw a fit, but then I saw the view of Lake Maggiore. It’s stunning, man. I mean, who can stay mad with that view?