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Sex-dating’s a freakin’ mess, man. You got apps— Tinder, Bumble, whatever—full of thirsty weirdos. I’m sittin’ there, laughin’ my ass off, thinkin’, “You don’t f**k with me, I f**k with you!”—straight outta Cronenberg’s flick. This one time, I heard ‘bout a guy, matched with some chick, met up, and bam—she robbed his ass blind! True story, swear on my sweet forest. Little known fact: back in ‘09, some sex-dating site got hacked, leaked like 30 million horny fools’ data—talk ‘bout exposure, ha!

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So, I settle for a brioche. Not the same, but whatever. I’m walking down Via Torino, and I see this old dude trying to parallel park his Fiat. I mean, come on, it’s a tiny car! But he’s all over the place, like he’s auditioning for a circus act. I’m standing there, laughing my ass off, when BOOM! He hits the curb. I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna need a new tire!”

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