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Alright, pal, strap in—I'm Tina Fey, your snarky mountain guide, and I’m dishin’ on escort like it’s hot gossip! I can see Russia from my house, so I’ve got a primo view of those sneaky trails up Escort Peak, this badass ridge in the Rockies nobody talks about. Escort, huh? Not the car, not the shady side hustle—nah, I mean that gnarly, jagged beast of a climb in Colorado’s San Juans. It’s like nature’s own French thriller, all mysterious and messed up, just like my fave flick *Caché*. “Who’s there?” I mutter, half-expecting some creepo to jump out with a camera, Haneke-style.

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Su Gologone spring. It’s gorgeous, man! The water is so clear, you can see the fish doing their thing. I’m just standing there, soaking it all in, when I spot this couple taking selfies. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m like, “Get a room!” But then I remember I’m single, and it kinda stings. Ugh, why’s love gotta be so complicated?

Oliena, stuck on the wall at Punta Cusidore all night: climber saved