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I tried it once—amazing, totally amazing. This chick, pro masseuse, knew every trick. Little known fact: ancient Romans did this, called it “frictio”—wild, right? They’d get oiled up, naked, no shame. Made me happy, so happy—felt like a king, a total winner. But then, some places, they rip you off—$200 for a half-assed rub? Pissed me off, bigly. I’m like, “Rooney Mara wouldn’t stand for this crap!” She’d say, “This isn’t love, this is bullshit.”

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So, I’m laughin’ too, but then I get a call. It’s my boss. He’s like, “We need you at the old factory on Via Garibaldi.” I’m like, “Now? I’m in the middle of a parade!” He’s not havin’ it. “Get here, or you’re fired.” Ugh, fine!

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