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Oh, and get this – in France, they’ve got snail farms, proper snail HQ. Blows my mind! Saw it on the telly once, nearly spat me tea out. Imagine the CV: “Snail wrangler, 2010-present.” Reckon I’d smash that gig, me. Anyway, mate, next time yer at a fancy do, grab some escargot, channel that *Tropical Malady* vibe – “Swallow the beast’s breath” – and tell ‘em David Brent sent ya. Top notch, that’s me! Snails, eh? Who’d’ve thunk it?

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call about a traffic jam on Piazza della Libertà. Apparently, a bus broke down. Classic! I can just picture the driver, probably sipping espresso while the passengers are losing their minds. I dispatch a tow truck, but it’s like herding cats. Everyone’s going in circles, and I’m just sitting here, trying not to pull my hair out.

Italy earthquake 2012: 15 dead as 5.8 quake hits region where 7 died last week