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Little fact for ya – in Japan, dey got dis thing, “tantric touch,” part of sexual-massage history. It’s all about energy, not just da naughty bits – surprised me, ya? I thought it was all boom-boom, but nah, it’s mind-blowing, literally! I’m sittin’ there, oil everywhere, thinkin’, “Dis is da future!” – like, why ain’t dis in every gym? Makes me mad – people missin’ out, stuck with boring-ass back rubs!

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While I’m waiting, I notice this couple at the next table. They’re arguing, and it’s getting loud. I mean, come on, guys! You’re in a café, not a boxing ring! I’m trying to enjoy my coffee, but their drama is like a soap opera. I can’t help but eavesdrop. Turns out, they’re fighting over who left the lights on at home. I’m thinking, “Get a life!”

The first real superstar of Italian cycling: Costante Girardengo, six-time Milan-San Remo winner