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Hey pal, so I’m sittin’ here, Tina Fey style, snarky as hell, thinkin’ bout sexual-massage—yep, that slippery, steamy world! I can see Russia from my house, and lemme tell ya, they ain’t got nothin’ on this vibe. Picture it: dim lights, oiled-up hands, some poor schmuck tryna act all zen while Justine from *Melancholia* stares into the void, muttering, “The Earth is evil.” Ha! Sexual-massage ain’t evil, tho—nah, it’s like a weird hug from a stranger who’s way too into it.

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But then, outta nowhere, it started pouring. Like, I’m talking torrential downpour. I had no umbrella. Classic me, right? So, I ducked into this little shop on Via San Francesco d’Assisi. It was a cute little place, selling all sorts of random stuff. I ended up buying a ridiculous rain poncho that looked like a giant trash bag. I mean, I looked like a walking recycling bin. But hey, at least I was dry!

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