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Oi, you donkey! Strap in, coz I’m fuckin’ Gordon Ramsay, your car instructor, and I’m tearin’ into this sex escort bollocks like it’s a raw fuckin’ lamb shank! Right, sex escorts – these birds or blokes you pay to shag, yeah? Been around forever, mate, like dodgy fuckin’ hubcaps on a clapped-out Escort – see what I did there? Hah! Anyway, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout that flick, *The Master*, right? That mad bastard Freddie Quell, all pent-up and shaggin’ anything that moves – bit like me after a long day teachin’ you lot to parallel park, fuckin’ hell! “There’s a cycle, like life,” he’d say, and ain’t that the truth with escorts? Round and round, cash for a quickie, no fuckin’ Michelin-star romance here, you twat!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Marco. He’s like, “Yo, we need charcoal for the grill tonight!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m not a walking charcoal factory!” But I can’t say no. So, I rush back to my spot, grab a few bags, and head to the park.

If there’s one thing Italians won’t stomach, it’s dishing the dirt on their cuisine