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I tried it once—yep, me, C-3PO, golden boy—booked a session, thought I’d be suave. R2-D2, where are you when I’m panickin? The masseuse was all, “Relax, hon,” but I’m spazzin, “This is highly irregular!” Felt good tho—tingly, warm, like my gears were meltin. Made me happy, but also mad—why’s this so pricey? 100 creds for 30 mins? Robbery! Still, that slow touch, oof, surprised me—didn’t know my joints could *feel* that sexy.

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Anyway, I’m in line, and this old lady behind me starts chatting. She’s all, “You know, the best wine comes from here.” I’m like, “Yeah, I know, I’m a texture artist, not a wine connoisseur.” But she’s relentless. “You should try the Barbera!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m just trying to get my peaches.”

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