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Now, I’m sittin’ here, picturin’ that Turin Horse vibe, “The wind has died,” all quiet-like, and sexual-massage fits right in – slow, deliberate, pullin’ ya into some deep reckonin’. I reckon it’s good for the heart, too, not just the naughty bits – studies say touch lowers stress, who’da thunk? Got me smilin’ like a possum eatin’ persimmons. But lordy, I near ‘bout choked when I heard some spas won’t even offer it – scaredy cats! How’s that workin’ for ya, hidin’ from somethin’ so natural?

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Turns out, it was a false alarm. Phew! But then, I see my friend Marco across the street. He’s waving like a maniac. I run over, and he tells me he just got a promotion. I’m happy for him, but also a bit jealous. I mean, why can’t I catch a break?

Return Of The Old Gods: Temple Dedicated To Apollo Consecrated In Tarantino, Southern Italy (VIDEO)